Confessions of a Recovering Christian

So don’t let the title fool you.  I’m not really sure I am ”recovering”.  I haven’t been what I would call a “Christian” for very long.  I did go to church growing up but it was more of a social event than a spiritual one.  After I graduated I decided to do my own thing and never went back to church until I met my husband.  My mom was a believer but got burned by the church so she has never gone back to church.  Mom doesn’t have to go to church why should I?  But I always had this nagging feeling that there was more to life but I just wasn’t sure  what it was. 

When I met my husband I thought he was part of a cult or something.  All he wanted to do was go to church and wave his hands in the air. He totally freaked me out.  But the more I hung out with him I started to understand it a little bit more.  I still thought he was crazy but eventually he convinced me to go to church with him.   I was so nervous walking into a church after so long.  We get to the church and we are greeted by some friendly people, so far so good, we take our seats and I am looking around and I see all this band equipment up on the stage.  Where’s the organ?  Where’s the pastor in his robe?  Well, needless to say I was in for a shock.  So this band comes out and I gotta tell ya they were pretty good.  They were rocking out and having a good time.  Then here comes the pastor in his hawaiian shirt.  Oh brother, this is gonna be good.  For the life of me I can’t remember what his teaching was on that night but it must have been good because I decided maybe this church thing wasn’t so bad after all.  So, naturally I got involved in everything I could and eventually ended up working for the church.   That was almost 6 years ago.  It has been quite a journey.  I went from being freaked out by praying for people and things of the prophetic nature and thinking it was all bogus to giving people words of knowledge and praying for people. 

So now that you have a little of my background on to the confession part….I am not perfect.  Shocking, I know!  I was just as shocked as you are.  This past year I went from being so involved in church and loving God to almost the complete opposite. I didn’t want to go to anymore meetings or pray about anything.  I didn’t purposely try to do anything against God but I didn’t try real hard to obey Him either.  This past year has been really rough on me spiritually.  I didn’t have any major event this past year that I stopped and said “You know what I am going to ignore God” it just kind of happened.  It was just one little disappointment after another.  Honestly, I just got burned out.   It got easier and easier to just do the work and go through the motions not involving God or asking Him what he wanted me to do.  The longer I went without spending time with God the easier it got to just think He didn’t care so why should I. 

So now on to the recovering part…the past couple of weeks God has been really trying to get my attention and I was choosing to ignore Him again.  Because if I were to listen to Him I would have to change.  I don’t like change. I was just getting comfortable in my misery.  I am just fine hanging out with my friends- misery, bitterness and anger.  They know me.  They understand me. These new friends wouldn’t get me.  Peace, love and joy. Seriously, what do they know about me and what I am going through.   But sure enough those new friends just showed up today uninvited. 

I was feeling particularly miserable and defeated today.  So out of my desperation I sat down and prayed. I told God that I can’t take it anymore and I needed Him.  I opened up the Bible to a random page (or so I thought it was random) to Psalm 38.  The first verse I see is “because of your anger, my whole body is sick; my health is broken because of my sins.  My guilt overwhelms me, it is a burden too heavy to bear.”  Yeah that’s encouraging.  But I read on and this part hit me, “I am exhausted and completely crushed, my groans come from an anguished heart.  Do not abandon me, Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God.  Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior.  Something inside of me broke.  This started a true repentance for me.   This wasn’t your usual I’m sorry, please forgive me type of repentance.  This was an on my knees, gut wrenching, sobbing uncontrollably repentance.  So after I temporarily regained control of myself I read on to Psalm 39. The whole thing spoke to me but what stood out was “Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cries for help, don’t ignore my tears. For I am your guest a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me.”

  Here’s the kicker, are you ready?  “Spare me so I can smile again before I am gone and exist no more.”  Whoa!  You mean I could actually give up my misery and smile.  I vaguely recall smiling and really meaning it.  That might be ok if I could do that again. So I stopped reading and sat there for a moment.  Then I felt like the Lord said “You’re not done” so I read Psalm 40.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me and he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what he has done and be astounded.  They will put their trust in the Lord.

Then the Lord said, “Now you’re done.”

So I sat and reflected on this for awhile.  Sure enough here came those new friends.  I don’t remember inviting them but they showed up anyway.  I started to feel like the weight lift from me and a peace come over me and there it was love and just a hint of joy. 

So I got up to go back to work and as I was cleaning up I noticed I was walking on my sore foot.  Not limping!!  So of course I had to test it out!  I jumped up and down a few times… no pain!  My foot was finally healed after two months of pain and doctors inflicting even more pain on me.  Thank you, Jesus!! 

So hmm do you think there is a correlation between my foot not being healed and my unrepentance?  Maybe or did He just get tired of listening to me whine? I think I am going to have to go with I finally let go of some junk that was standing in between us.

For the first time in a very long time I felt that God truly heard me today and forgave me. 

 They say the road to recovery is a long one.  Well I hope there are some rest areas along the way that my new friends and I can hang out during our journey.  I’ll keep you posted

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